Stupid Thanksgiving

Yeah, you heard me. I know I was preaching about the holidays in my previous post, how great they are and blah blah BLAH. But I should have mentioned that I do not really include Thanksgiving in my holiday season, except maybe as a less-than-exciting jumping-off point for December, and a time when I get a couple days off school. I went home a little early for Thanksgiving this year (the Monday before) and left early as well (Thursday night) because I had to work the football game on Friday morning. It was good to see my friend Timmy again and the rest of the boys from the Crew, since it seems like all I hang out with are a bunch of girls in Austin (which is fine, but a change of pace is good), and of course I always love hanging with my Poppet (Morgan). However, the rest of the time was spent getting my car fixed--I had to drive all the way to Fort Worth from Austin listening to headphones because my stereo was totally shot--and running various errands with my mom and brother. Thrilling.

The actual Thanksgiving Day was totally underwhelming--my brother and I made the best food there (in my opinion), which included a variety of appetizers and a pasta and cheese dish. Since we don't eat turkey (which my dad made and was apparently quite good) we only had the side dishes to choose from, which were all prepared by my grandmother. Now I'm quite sure that normal people generally think of their grandmothers' food very fondly, as a source of comfort and tradition lovingly prepared in the same delicious fashion every year. Well I and my family are far from normal, and MY particular grandmother is a little on the strange side, and certainly not the typical awesome grandmother chef-type. I swear to God every single year she tries to make something weird or different and screws it up everytime. You'd think she'd have learned by now. This year it was a bourbon sauce for the sweet potatoes, which tasted as if she'd just taken a flask of bourbon, added a bit of melted butter and brown sugar, and poured it in a gravy boat as if it was fit to be eaten. You could smell the stuff from across the table, and no one at the table wanted to pour the watery concoction on their sweet potatoes at the risk of contaminating the rest of their food with near straight alcohol. Everything else was mediocre at best, and I left tired from drinking too much wine too slowly and had to make the long drive back to Austin. The Thanksgiving dinner I had with my friends once I got back was 10 times better than my real one, thanks to Courtney, Audrey, Owen, Jaclyn, and Adam. Yay friends.

Oh I forgot to mention as well, my aunt and uncle and this particular grandmother I mentioned before all neglected to acknowledge my birthday, even through a card or simple email let alone a present of any sort. I thought maybe, just maybe, they might actually at the very least wish me a belated birthday when they actually came face to face with me, but they did not. Now I can almost forgive my aunt and uncle, because I don't speak with them all that much, but this is my GRANDMOTHER we're talking about. I know she definitely didn't forget, because she's not that old and senile yet and has acknowledged my birthday every other year of my life. I don't know WHY she didn't bother the say anything to me--she usually has weird reasons behind the weird crap she does, and I don't pretend to understand her--but it honestly hurt my feelings a little bit. She didn't even mention it, even though I wished her a happy birthday as soon as I entered the door (her birthday was Thanksgiving Day). Well, that's OK, because guess what? I also "accidentally" forgot to give her the Target gift card my mom and I got for her, and I think I might have to "accidentally" buy myself a new pair of shoes with it. My mom agreed this was justified. Don't mess with Laura.

Bitch fights and the upcoming holidays

I figured I'd start the title with what is most likely to be the more interesting part of this post, at least for any male readers. Last night, I had a few people over for a small birthday celebration--apparently going downtown and getting utterly trashed on my ACTUAL birthday wasn't quite enough for me. I've always been one to make people celebrate my birthday as much as possible...if nothing else, it's a good excuse to paaaarttttyy. Ahem. So basically it was just me, Monica, Jaclyn, Kelly, Tara, Jen, Owen and Jeff (with brief appearances by Richard, Rebecca, James, and John) hanging out, drinking, playing games...the usual Saturday night activities. I was content to keep this up as long as possible, and was trying my best not to drink too much and pass out early, because that's just being a bad hostess. Jaclyn, however, did not have such foresight, and was dangerously close to falling asleep on my bed far before the night's festivities were even close to being over. So, like any good friends, Owen and I went in to kick her lame ass out of bed and make her drink more. Jaclyn was feeling particularly feisty, and when I jumped on my bed she decided to attempt to wrestle me off. Now, I was not expecting this, and she succeeded the first time--eliciting a long OOOOHHHHHH from Owen, and inciting me to further violence, because I was already in the mindset that nobody beats Laura at ANYTHING. Soon Jaclyn and I were wrapped up in a tangle not unlike the Tasmanian Devil when he really gets going, screeching and laughing and pulling at hair and clothes. The next thing I knew we were both on the floor, rolling around and laughing our asses off. Don't worry, no one was harmed in this pathetic attempt at a throwdown...I don't even think I got any scratches or hair pulled out. The funniest part was that Owen just stood in the doorway the whole time with a totally dumbfounded look on his face, unsure of what to do but also thoroughly enjoying himself. When we seemed done he immediately exclaimed "That was AWESOME!!!" Haha, glad we could offer you some entertainment, Owen.

And now for the holidays. I'll just get right to it--I am a TOTAL sucker for Christmas. I love the songs, the decorations, the lights, the idea of having the "Christmas spirit", and even the rampant consumerism and forgetfulness of the actual meaning of the holiday. It's all just a lovely melange of good feelings and stupid traditions, and I fall for it every year. So yes, I've already got my little multi-colored fiber optic tree up in my apartment, and I even bought some pretty iridescent lights and hung them up around my living room window. I'm sitting beneath them right now, and just glancing at them makes me smile; I can't wait to drive around after Thanksgiving, drink hot toddies and look at Christmas lights. Last night, in one of the more hilarious moments, Owen and I discovered our mutual appreciation for cheesy Christmas carols, and I brought out my laptop and blasted such classics as Home for the Holidays, Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, and The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and we both knew all the lyrics and sang along like idiots--it was magical. I almost wish someone had called in a noise complaint so we could have been busted for excessive Christmas spirit--it would have been well worth it, and of course we wouldn't have had to pay the fine due to some sudden whimsical Christmas miracle.

Happy holidays everybody, and I highly recommend that you try and spread a little of that cheer if possible. It's good for the heart.

And now for something completely different

This is just a random exercise in creative writing since I couldn't get into that class this semester. Bear with me, and sorry if it sucks. I think it's kinda cool, though.

Driving to work was always a time for reflection and enthused sing-alongs, when she would croon with her favorite bands and imagine she had a halfway-decent singing voice, losing herself in a fantasy world of rock and roll stardom. Occasionally she spared a thought for those in the cars around her, wondering if they noticed her mid-song—mouth shaped into a perfect O and brow furrowed in an emotional cry—but this line of thought never went far and always ended with her lips curving into a smile, defying the other drivers to judge her. A certain song that always inspired a desire to smoke was next on her iPod, and she began fishing through her purse for her pink and white lighter and menthol cigarettes. She rolled her window down a crack, letting in a quick gust of cool fall air and grasped the cigarette between her lips. Quickly taking her eyes off the road she lit up, blowing out a thin plume of blue-grey smoke through her plump, puckered mouth. Though she never truly relished or craved smoking as much as her friends did, she had to admit the cigarette was calming, and the lingering taste of mint from the menthol was pleasant on the back of her tongue. She would quit soon, but not just yet. She drove along only half-conscious of her surroundings—she was so used to this route, she could follow it in her sleep. However, today as she climbed a hill nearby to her intended destination she was presented with an unexpectedly beautiful sight—the downtown skyline. Normally she saw it as a simple collection of glass, concrete, and brick; a haven for bankers and cubicle-dwellers going about their mundane business dealings, a representation of a life she never wanted to lead. But today, she crested a hill just as the sun was on that particular point of its descent when the rosy-gold rays of early evening glinted off of the glass buildings, creating a surreal beauty that emanated from the urban jungle. The rapidly fading blue sky created a bright, crisp background, with only a few wispy mares’ tail clouds gracefully dusting the stratosphere in soft hues of pink and silver. In the dusky half-light she was momentarily dazzled, her dark brown eyes appearing slightly golden against the glow as she took a sharp intake of the cold air and felt a surge of delight and inspiration. She allowed herself to temporarily forget her normally bitter view of all things corporate, and felt a new love and appreciation for her city. Though this short-lived burst of joy would soon be dashed upon entering into the drab parking garage opposite her workplace and preparing for reality, she smiled once more and decided that sudden, simple moments such as these, free from care and filled with unexpected beauty, were what she needed every once in a while to make the constant weight of her obligations seem temporarily lighter than a feather.

There's a first time for everything...

Today, I was the object of a ban from the property of an apartment complex. The cause was, of course, the values I pride myself most highly on--my stubbornness and extreme smart-ass-ity. I was long due to get in trouble by way of these values, as I like to think of them, so allow me to elaborate.

Last night, I left my laptop at the Texas Travesty office in my tired and strung-out state, so I called my friend Stephen who was still there and asked him to take it with him so I could pick it up today from his apartment. The Texas Travesty, by the way, is the humor publication of the University of Texas that I write for, and it's really a wholesome, family-friendly (read: raunchy and occasionally offensive) but hilarious read so you should check it out: www.texastravesty.com . The new issue should be up online soon, along with my sappy goodbye column.

ANYWAY, today I get home from school and head over to Stephen's to pick up my computer. I get there, park wherever I happen to see a spot, and proceed to jog up the steps, knowing I'll only be a minute. Suddenly I hear a gruff twang call out behind me--" 'Scuse me ma'am, you visitin' someone?" I stopped mid-step, turned to the source of the voice and am confronted by a tall drink of scrawny white trash, complete with missing teeth (the ones remaining appeared to be fast-rotting from his head), Bill Lumberg-style glasses, and a stained white t-shirt. We'll call him Bubba. I paused, my glance flitting towards my car, which happened to be right next to 3 spaces marked "Guest parking".

Already assuming what Bubba was so eloquently inquiring about, I quickly answered "Oh, yeah--but I'll be right back, I just need to run upstairs and pick something up. Give me two minutes." I put a foot on the next step, at which point Bubba puts his back up. "Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car to guest parking. Rules are rules."

How to reply to this? I knew I had several options here, so I took a second to size old Bubba up and decided that yes, it almost certainly would be the crowning achievement of this man's day to be able to call a tow truck because some young firebrand decided to give him guff. Well, I was tired and didn't feel like moving my car for literally a 2 minute trip so I responded with a half-smile and asked "What are you going to do, call the fastest tow-truck ever?"

Now I see a fire enter Bubba's watery blue eyes, and he responds. "NOW LISTEN MISSY, What if everyone ignored the rules and just parked wherever they wanted??" To which I raised my eyebrows, shrugged, and assured him that I didn't know, but I'd be right back. Bubba went on: "I'm gonna ask you one more time, MOVE THAT CAR."

At this point I'm sick of the sound of this inbred hick, and a devious thought enters my head. I smile, incline my head, and politely agree to move it. He immediately gets a satisfied, that's-more-like-it look on his slack, stupid face and nods, and I walk over to my car. I proceed to move it into the guest-parking spots--across all 3 of them, in fact.

I hop out of my car, nonchalantly passing him by, at which point Bubba is madder than a hornet. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??" he spat, his hands balled into fists and his eye twitching vigorously. "That's me moving my car in guest parking," I said matter-of-factly, as I made my way up the stairs towards Stephen's apartment. "WHO ARE YOU VISITING?" he shouts. Now it's only at this point that I realize that my actions might possibly get Stephen in trouble (or at least give Bubba an excuse to give him hell), so I began skipping up the steps a little quicker and called out behind me "I'll be right back!"

As I reach the top I hear Bubba roar, "I'M CALLING A TOW TRUCK!!!" Alright Bubba, let's see that tow truck get here in less than a minute, because that's how long it's going to take me to get my laptop. I get to Stephen's and admit that his manager might be a little upset with me and I need to hurry, but I'll fill him in later. I get back downstairs and Bubba is still on the phone with the tow company--I told you, you moron.

As soon as he spots me, he puts the phone down, almost visibly shaking with totally unnecessary rage. In a punctuated, deliberate tone he lets me know that "If I EVER find your car on this property again, I'm havin' it towed, even if it's in guest parkin'!" I laugh and shake my head, simply saying "Alright man, see you later." This sends him off the edge, and in an awkward Tourettes-style outburst he screams "AND YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE PROPERTY!!!" Hah, sweet. Later Bubba. I jump in my car and drive off, and call Stephen and let him know what went down. He laughs and confirms that Bubba is a huge dick, and commends my smart-ass move.

Sorry Stephen! I hope I don't get you in trouble. But damn, that felt good.

An early birthday present

Though my birthday isn't for another 6 days, I got an early present today--remember that paper I pulled an all-nighter in order to finish? The giant one which could be described as the culmination of my undergraduate career? I GOT AN A ON IT!! Well, OK...specifically the grade said A-/B+, but I'm leaning towards the A end of that spectrum, and I'm happier than Hillary Clinton now that there's a democratic majority in the house. Despite putting it off quite a bit, and probably not putting as much thought into it as I should have, my professor deemed it "quite a good paper in most respects." ....Alright, so that's not exactly a glowing assessment, but come on, this was only my first draft, LAY OFF.

So, I mentioned the fact that there is now a democratic majority in the house, and POSSIBLY the senate, which is also an early birthday present. FINALLY. Now let's just hope those idiots don't nit-pick about stupid unimportant crap and get to improving healthcare and the environment, like good democrats should. I'm mostly glad that the republican senator from Montana was ousted, because if he hadn't been, I would have lost all faith in democracy (again). He was involved in more scandals than...well than someone who is always chest-deep in scandalous things. I'm not very good at witty comparisons. Also, let's not forget that he's an utterly brainless windbag...the fact that the race was so close just reinforces my view of Montana-ans (Montanians? Montanies? Stupid fucking hicks?) as not exactly the brightest bunch of registered voters in the country. BUT, they made the right decision, so good for them. You get a cookie from me, Montana--let's hope your east-coast friend Virginia will follow your example and do the right thing.

WOW, I think I just lapsed into light political blogging for a moment. Maybe CNN will run a feature on me..."Aaaww look," they'll say, "she thinks her opinion matters. Cute."

This is how we do it

It's friday night, the party's here on the west side. OK, not really, that's just a Montell Jordan lyric that makes me happy about weekends. But in actuality the party is NOT on the west side, it's on the NORTHwest side, and is only a party if you consider me sitting in my apartment by myself drinking a glass of wine to be a "party". Unfortunately I did too much REAL partying this week (tuesday, wednesday, AND thursday night...yeah) and now I'm beyond tired, after having gone to school from 10am-2pm and worked from 3pm-11:30pm. I needed the week off though...last week almost killed me, and not in a good, "got too drunk and passed out" kind of way. Soooo anyway...Just thought I'd check in and write some nonsense while I'm still able to keep my eyes open and before I head to Fort Worth tomorrow for my friends' wedding. That still sounds weird to me, to say that my friends who I went to high school with are actually getting married...I mean, they already have a kid so it's not like this is really a surprise, but I don't know. I guess it just makes me feel like an adult or something, which I'm wholly unprepared to be. I mean for Chrissakes, I just talked about how I like, totally partied and got wasted EVERY DAY this week, dude. How collegiate of me. But anyway, I'm still excited, it should be a good time and will be fun to see all my old friends together and all dolled up. Plus I get to wear my new dress! Yay.