Wow.

Really, Laura? Really?

I'm an idiot.

I will say though that I was right, I do feel lame having posted drunk...but at least it was kinda funny. Just a little.

Have I everr made a drunk post before?

Oh my god look, I spelled eveerr wrong in the title because i'm just that drunk!!! looool. I'm also going to read this tomorrow and be very ashamed that the first thing I did when I got home from drinking was to get on the internet.....and then post on my blog. Well, I'm resigned to the fact that i'm a nerd so i guess it's all good. I sang karaoke tonight! The best songs were don't stop believing, what's up (the 4 non-blondes song) and we are the champions. The karaoke place was BYOB and I chugged a bottle of champagne before we left.

OH SPEAKING OF CHUGGING CHAMPAGNE!~!! This weekend I GRADUATED. Yeah that's right, a college graduate is typing this right now. My point is, my mom bought a case of champagne for me and in one night my family and friends drank 9 OUT OF 12 BOTTLES. We are the best. My dad was wasted, and every time someone walked in the door he would say we had to do a toast, thus getting everyone else equally wasted. He's a fun drunk.

And so now I begin my depressing life of working at the UT Club full-time...I'll be in desperate need of some stimulation. Intellectual stimulation, I mean. Perverts.

Laura's Do's and Don't's of UT

Well folks, looks like I made it. *Cue the song "Looks Like We Made It"* After two more days of studying and writing like crazy I'll be graduating. Graduating early, I might add. Kiss my ass, slacker friends. But anyway, in my 3 1/2 years at the world-class University of Texas I have learned some pretty cool things, most of them not having to do with book learnin' at all, but with life, love, and how to bullshit your way out of pretty much any situation you can imagine. Oh also, how to be a snarky little smartass college student who thinks she knows everything. So I thought I'd compile a quick list of some stuff that any incoming freshman should do/know/snort:

• Be a liberal arts major. You can take classes on pretty much anything you could ever want to know about, and if you're really into the whole "money" thing, then be an economics major. It's way, WAY better than shitty business and you even get to keep your soul after graduation!! BONUS.
  
• Live in the dorms at least one year. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you will become annoyed with your roommate. Yes, the community bathroom smells funny and wearing shower shoes is just plain weird. However, it's one of those quintessential, ohmygodI'mincollegelookathowridiculousmylifeis type of deals, and you'll regret it if you don't give it a shot. At the very least, when you're a sophomore it will make you appreciate your shitty, $500/month West Campus efficiency ever so much more if only because you actually have an OVEN and a bedroom with a DOOR on it.
  
• Take a class with Professor Liebowitz. This is the funniest, most delightful little Jewish man you will ever meet. Not only that, he's the kindest professor you could ever hope for--get this, he actually CARES about his students and wants to HEAR what you have to say! It sounds crazy, I know--aren't all professors cold intellectuals who sold their sense of compassion to become tenured? Take a class with this man, and you will learn otherwise, young paduan.
• Become a staff member of the Texas Travesty. Best thing I ever did in college. I had more fun with these people than is legal in 47 states, and if you're even the slightest bit funny/clever/cool/good with Photoshop you can be on staff and party like a rockstar. Don't worry, we won't bite when we interview you. And if you're not any of those listed characteristics, well just read the Travesty and live vicariously through our achingly exquisite prose.
• Live on Riverside. Also known as RIVAHSAAAEEEEEDDD!!! This little corner of crime, debauchery, and taquerias is really quite delightful when you get to know it, and riding the bus to school is just one of those things you have to experience for a year or two. That bus ride is one of the things I'm really going to miss.
• Buy yourself an iPod and shun your fellow man. You know that one guy in your class who was super annoying but you made nice with him because you skipped class and needed to borrow his notes? And you know how it sucks when you see him on campus and he tries to do a stop 'n' chat? Well, this situation is easily avoided with the aid of your trusty iPod! Just wave and point to your headphones if he tries to speak, and you'll never have to worry about unnecessary human interaction again! This works similarly well with West Mall solicitors. Also, you can pretend like you have your own personal soundtrack as you walk from class to class. Sweet.
  
• Eat lots of pizza and drink lots of beer.
  
• Don't get fat. I know I know, this one and the previous suggestion don't really seem to mesh well. Well I'm sorry but you're just going to have to figure out this delicate balance on your own, because Lord knows I can't help you out here.
• Sleep around. Ok maybe don't literally "sleep around", but play the field! Have some fun. You're never going to look as good as you do RIGHT NOW (unless you got fat from eating too much pizza and drinking too much beer, idiot), so you may as well take advantage of other people who look as good as you. And by take advantage of them, I mean feed them as much of the date rape drug as you can dissolve in their drink without them tasting it and have your way with them. Kidding! The date rape drug is tasteless, so no matter how much you put in the drink they'll NEVER be able to taste it!
  
• Bitch about everything. Gee, I hate walking through the West Mall! Stupid people trying to hand me their stupid pamphlets about their stupid organizations, GOSH. WOW, I can't believe my professors all scheduled tests on the SAME DAY! It's like they totally planned it to screw me over! MAN! Oh crap, tuition is sooo expensive! Oh my geez, I can't believe they're raising it AGAIN, even though my parents pay for it and they're the ones who are going to be in debt for the rest of their lives! UGH.
• Get to know Austin. Austin is possibly the coolest city in the universe, so check it out. Drive around, try new places, find your favorite haunts. You'll thank me when you're super cool.
  
• Procrastinate. I should be telling you NOT to procrastinate, because I'm doing it at this very moment and it is surely screwing me over big time, but you would never listen because procrastination is better than crack. So fuck it, just procrastinate and wait until the last minute for everything, because you TOTALLY work better under pressure. Or at least that's what you'll tell yourself.
• Don't graduate. I mean, do graduate, but take your sweet ass time. I don't want to leave. Please. I'm so very frightened. :-(
  
• Get friends. It's not hard, unless you're a loser. You're not a loser, are you? Loser?
• Smoke weed everyday. The immortal words of Snoop Dogg and Dre need no explanation.

Well I suppose that's all I can think of right now, but believe you me I've got plenty more nuggets of solid gold wisdom in this old noggin of mine, so this list could easily be revised at any point. Peace, love, and LOOONNNGHOORRNNSSS!!!!