There's a first time for everything...

Today, I was the object of a ban from the property of an apartment complex. The cause was, of course, the values I pride myself most highly on--my stubbornness and extreme smart-ass-ity. I was long due to get in trouble by way of these values, as I like to think of them, so allow me to elaborate.

Last night, I left my laptop at the Texas Travesty office in my tired and strung-out state, so I called my friend Stephen who was still there and asked him to take it with him so I could pick it up today from his apartment. The Texas Travesty, by the way, is the humor publication of the University of Texas that I write for, and it's really a wholesome, family-friendly (read: raunchy and occasionally offensive) but hilarious read so you should check it out: www.texastravesty.com . The new issue should be up online soon, along with my sappy goodbye column.

ANYWAY, today I get home from school and head over to Stephen's to pick up my computer. I get there, park wherever I happen to see a spot, and proceed to jog up the steps, knowing I'll only be a minute. Suddenly I hear a gruff twang call out behind me--" 'Scuse me ma'am, you visitin' someone?" I stopped mid-step, turned to the source of the voice and am confronted by a tall drink of scrawny white trash, complete with missing teeth (the ones remaining appeared to be fast-rotting from his head), Bill Lumberg-style glasses, and a stained white t-shirt. We'll call him Bubba. I paused, my glance flitting towards my car, which happened to be right next to 3 spaces marked "Guest parking".

Already assuming what Bubba was so eloquently inquiring about, I quickly answered "Oh, yeah--but I'll be right back, I just need to run upstairs and pick something up. Give me two minutes." I put a foot on the next step, at which point Bubba puts his back up. "Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car to guest parking. Rules are rules."

How to reply to this? I knew I had several options here, so I took a second to size old Bubba up and decided that yes, it almost certainly would be the crowning achievement of this man's day to be able to call a tow truck because some young firebrand decided to give him guff. Well, I was tired and didn't feel like moving my car for literally a 2 minute trip so I responded with a half-smile and asked "What are you going to do, call the fastest tow-truck ever?"

Now I see a fire enter Bubba's watery blue eyes, and he responds. "NOW LISTEN MISSY, What if everyone ignored the rules and just parked wherever they wanted??" To which I raised my eyebrows, shrugged, and assured him that I didn't know, but I'd be right back. Bubba went on: "I'm gonna ask you one more time, MOVE THAT CAR."

At this point I'm sick of the sound of this inbred hick, and a devious thought enters my head. I smile, incline my head, and politely agree to move it. He immediately gets a satisfied, that's-more-like-it look on his slack, stupid face and nods, and I walk over to my car. I proceed to move it into the guest-parking spots--across all 3 of them, in fact.

I hop out of my car, nonchalantly passing him by, at which point Bubba is madder than a hornet. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??" he spat, his hands balled into fists and his eye twitching vigorously. "That's me moving my car in guest parking," I said matter-of-factly, as I made my way up the stairs towards Stephen's apartment. "WHO ARE YOU VISITING?" he shouts. Now it's only at this point that I realize that my actions might possibly get Stephen in trouble (or at least give Bubba an excuse to give him hell), so I began skipping up the steps a little quicker and called out behind me "I'll be right back!"

As I reach the top I hear Bubba roar, "I'M CALLING A TOW TRUCK!!!" Alright Bubba, let's see that tow truck get here in less than a minute, because that's how long it's going to take me to get my laptop. I get to Stephen's and admit that his manager might be a little upset with me and I need to hurry, but I'll fill him in later. I get back downstairs and Bubba is still on the phone with the tow company--I told you, you moron.

As soon as he spots me, he puts the phone down, almost visibly shaking with totally unnecessary rage. In a punctuated, deliberate tone he lets me know that "If I EVER find your car on this property again, I'm havin' it towed, even if it's in guest parkin'!" I laugh and shake my head, simply saying "Alright man, see you later." This sends him off the edge, and in an awkward Tourettes-style outburst he screams "AND YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE PROPERTY!!!" Hah, sweet. Later Bubba. I jump in my car and drive off, and call Stephen and let him know what went down. He laughs and confirms that Bubba is a huge dick, and commends my smart-ass move.

Sorry Stephen! I hope I don't get you in trouble. But damn, that felt good.